Friday, 19th of August, 2016
There are always visions to grab from at the end of a day. As a I sit and filter everything I saw and experienced, some things glow. It is really just a memory, some recall, but I call it a vision. I suppose it is there floating in the mind as a guide into the next day. I always think the things one recalls are there for a reason. Once you get a sense of that, it influences your actions into the future. The mind is a basket and you become aware of what you are putting in your basket each day, what you are carrying around with you and why?
It was a wonderful day today and it felt like everything is coming together creatively. I have been waiting for it, and it is none too soon. There was a lot of mental rubbish to clear out first, and gosh, so much of it came from instagram, I wish I had been more careful. Well, we learn as we go, and now I understand so much more about what it is to be aware, to be conscious. Things change daily, and I know now to set myself free over and over, to take it as it arrives, see it for what it is and then let go. Tomorrow is a new day, a new you, a new me. I had no idea how attached to the drama, like it was a tv show I was – granted some of it was not my doing some people will create the drama so that you are attached together in a sticky web. But now that I recognize that, well I just remind myself, Oh Kirsten, you are not alone. We are all trying so hard. What you put out in the word must be real, substantial and good quality.
Mostly now I struggle with being quiet, keeping my mouth shut and not disrupting people or letting them disrupt me. I think everyone knows I will reflect my truth and courage as best I can, and it’s better for people to come to me for that, rather than me blurting opinions out to them like I have tended to do in the past. Seeing all the people talking into their phones, making ‘stories’ while driving, you know, things like that I find so hard to be quiet about. Especially when children are present.
Overall everything is phenomenal right now, just wow and I really want to make the most of that. I hope you are feeling it too, and doing your very best work. If you don’t know what your work is or if you want your work to deepen, well keep with it, it will come, it will come. It is the question of our times, how do you serve?
Ok, let me share what I saw today. There was a lot. Well, before today, Something first about yesterday. There was a women and she was riding her bike and the back tire on the bike was flat and she had two big leather handbags hanging off her shoulders, our bikes came into line rather quickly when I rounded a corner and unexpectedly I was in her wind tow. Peddling downwind from her I inadvertently noticed she had a lot of smells and I could feel my nose crinkle, the smells burnt the inside of my nose. I feel a part inside my brain ache, it is hard to explain, but it makes me wonder if this happens to others, and if so, then why is it that some people do not notice? As I said, I was downwind, and it hurts my throat trying to get this out even. So I just took a deep breath. Then I called out to her. “Hello, just wanted to let you know your tire is flat.” and she pulled over, told me she knew, and let me pass. I rode off fast, light and free. No bags or product smells. I wanted to help her, but what could I do? I did not have a pump to fill her tire and suggesting she change her beauty regime would be out of line. She was outwardly privileged by the look of her bike, but gosh, she seemed to be struggling. That’s me you know. I have been her, but on this day, I was very glad I made different choices now.
From that point on I saw a lot of people exercising. I mean a lot. So much so it felt a bit strange in fact, but in a good way, exercise is a good affirmation. Every person I saw was a female, wearing various forms of tight synthetic exercise clothes. Another notable thing was that you could sort of see they were running in their minds, thinking, thinking, thinking, or something, because their lives are so busy and full. I liked seeing them exercise, it was inspiring. I try to exercise every day just a little. Cam likes to walk after dinner. I walk with him, holding his hand and talking.
“I am so grateful that while we lived here I was able to spend all of my time with the children. I know it was not to always seamless, but I am so glad, I was there, soaking it up. I will always have that.” I said to Cam as we strolled through the neighborhood.
Then Cam said. “Me too, I am so glad for all the hugs I have gotten working from home. I really felt it when I was working in the city, that I was missing out on them.”
In that moment as we were walking down that special private lane, with all the fancy house so much bigger than ours, I knew we were some of the richest people in Montclair. We had enviable time with our children and while I would not want anyone to envy anything in my life. Time with children being envied could serve a great purpose.
We always talk about how perfect Montclair is to look at it, it is perfect, all the beautiful homes, but I will tell you, perfect gigantic house after perfect gigantic house usually means one thing. Two people who work long hours for a lot of money. Most of those house sit empty all day, except for the pampered pooches inside. Not everyone in Montclair is well off though, but it sure looks that way on a gorgeous day.
“It is the quintessential American dream town.” Cam said.
“Yes it is,” I said, “But no-one here has any time.”
And that is when the gratitude almost lifted me off the ground. Time with my children has elevated me more than anything else in the world. Thank goodness we made choices so that being with the children was the priority. I wanted being with the children to be my work.
“The girls are going to be teenagers so soon, and we will always look back and think this was one of the best things we did in our life, the four of us being together all of the time.” I said.
Cam nodded. “I was really conscious of that.”
I can’t believe we even did it actually. Now that we are about to move away from New York City it feels just wow, what a team we were. We moved here to make that all happen. We moved here so that Cam could make enough money and I could mother. That was what we both wanted. The title of mother comes with many varialbes, but the family expereince we wanted was with a Mother who was there all the time, always available to nurture and care for the needs of others. After we established that, then we wanted a better Father expereince too. Cam worked at job after job until he found one that was right, giving us everything we dreamed of, which was that he be able to work from home, with medical insurance and a set wage. When that hapenned, everything felt so good. We were doing it. We were living our dream life. Then all we had to do was live each day together.
Elle and I went swimming today, but Maya did not go because she felt sick. There has been illness in our home this week, both the girls came down with a fever two days apart. Then Maya vomited. As she was throwing up I thought to myself, “I really have to try harder, to love her deeper, to be more patient and kind, and tolerant.” I don’t know what it is, but I have to be more conscious and with Maya I have to stop and breath. What a gift right? A child that makes you more conscious. I want to feel an even distribution of energy. You know why the world is the way it is don’t you? Because it happens in our own homes. The ones that have the most keep getting more, the ones that need it, go without. It takes such honesty.
Gosh it feels so good to be able to see clearly, it is like the shadow lifts off, and so much warmth pours into your heart. Then the change begins.
When we were walking back from swimming I saw that girl, that has the very unique free spirit, but somehow seems like she wants to be even freer. I don’t know what to make of her? But she was running down the street in silk underwear and knee-high socks and platform shoes. She was running with her arms out like wings, and then she would slow, and walk a few giant clompy strides, and then she would start running again. I thought maybe she was running for the train, but a train did not come and she kept going over the track and I saw her ankle twist because of wearing the high heel shoes and running over the tracks. I really liked her outfit. It was a cosplay look, a vintage French knicker set in light pink and she had nothing on beneath. It was an underwear outfit. The shoes and socks were black. This girl is very unusual, and I am interested in her life experience, she runs wearing anything, anytime, except running clothes. I have seen her run like this before, where she suddenly strides out in a dash. Out her front door and down the street, like a child, But she is an adult. Ever so slight and thin, like Elle. Only a grown women. I call her a girl, but she is a young women. Then I thought to myself.
“I wonder if she would trust me?”
You know what else, she was running, but you could tell she was not in a rush, and even though by all means running in your underwear outfit and high heals down the street with your arms out seems separate to others, she had her head attached to her body. She was not one of those stressor exercisers with a mind pulling along the detached body, She was in complete expressive being. She was working on her whole-self.
There is something else to mention now… oh yes Starr.
Starr, The Mother Magazine editor wrote today, She has not been in touch for ages. She wrote a Moon Journal book and wanted to send us a copy. I thought it was an awesome idea. I asked Maya if she would use it one day and she said no, but I think someone would enjoy it, and I think many young women need to and should use it. It is a Moon Diary. For keeping track of your moon cycle, and the cycle of the moon. I actually can’t wait to see it in person. We discussed doing a giveaway. I might use it myself too? I know when I bleed, I follow the moon. But, jotting down notes to look back could be good. My blood clotted more this month than usual. Some stagnant energy. I studied it all long ago. I had acupuncture for my Qi once in my teens when my cycle was stagnant. Now I get to revise it all again for my girls.
When Maya came into my room, with a bowl, and began to throw up, I was listening to a talk by Barbra Marx Hubbard. Barbra spoke at Uplift Byron Bay she is friends with my friends Lynda and Christopher Dean. They are the spiritual King and Queen of the bay. There is something remarkable happening in that part of the world and it’s all about soul connection. It is a cosmic network there like no other, and here is the beautiful thing, there is never any limit to the amount of friends you can love. The more people that live in truth and courage the better. I don’t know why, but Barbara Marx Hubbard just popped into my mind tonight, so I looked up some of her videos, knowing it was the right thing to do. I just love her face, she looks a little like my Grandma. I felt like writing to her, but I didn’t.
After the vomiting and Barbara’s words I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I started thinking about all the women I feel safe with. Feeling safe is what we all need in life, and part of it is knowing who we feel safe with. It is not scary to know who you are not safe with. Some of you would never even have to ask, but if you put yourself out there, which I do, then sometimes you have to be honest with yourself in order to know where the greatest love lays. You only know one by the other. Once you get that, then you can just breeze on by. Don’t hold onto anything, just go forth the loving way. When you get confused, just visualize what you think, know, and feel is love. Embrace that, it will clearly feel great. You actually need not have even met the person face to face to feel connected, I know, it is wild. But you will know. Of course firstly, you have to feel safe with yourself. I have come a long way with that.
Gosh there are so many women who are in their power, switched on and serving. They know all the gradients of their wheel and they just keep going round and round with it.
I almost gave up blogging yesterday. I so desperately wanted to evolve. Then I realized… it is happening all the time. It is funny how just when you want to give up and quit, something happens and then wallah, out it pops. I remember when I had Maya, laboring so long and hard, I was crying, “I can’t do this anymore.” And my midwife was so calm, she said, “That mean’s it is going to happen soon Kirsten.” That was all I needed to hear, that soon, soon I would birth my baby.
Funny enough, the video I chose to watch of Barbara’s was about how women enter another phase of birthing after they have children, where they want to birth another passion and serve the larger family – community. I guess that is what has been happening for me. I have been in transition. I’m not pushing anymore though, it is going to just flow out gently.
Jumping off the deep end never scared me as a child, well I suppose it did, but it did not stop me. In my memories I can see myself, on the rocky cliff as others around me were also running and jumping. “Wait your turn. I am next.” My assertive little Aussie drawl would bark out. Then I too would gallop the length and with some mite and bravery, hurl myself off the waterfall. There was always enough time in the free fall to wonder, “How much is it going to hurt?” Then splat. My small body would break the water surface. A tingling sensation would rise from the sting and bubbles all around. It hurt a bit, the skin being slapped, but not enough to detract from the thrill. Then gulp, swallowed up, “Help, I am so deep under.” The mind reacts in primitive response, but the ears are forced to listen to the deluge and the inner voice is just a split second echo and the fear is forgotten. Rational follows faithfully because it has been done over and over. Then the mind calms, “Was I close to the bottom I wonder? Has anyone ever hit the rocks?” and legs and arms are scrambling, eyes are open searching for the light that signifies up. “That was fun! I’m going to do it again!”
That is it you know, that one moment is symbolic of everything. The joy the struggle the bravery the fear, the water. In that moment when you are beneath it, looking up to the light. You just want to get to the top and break the surface… so you can breathe. We all do.
My childhood was full of wild water. Always with eyes wide open. Always aware of the gradients. You learn that the light is where you come up for air, but you can not stay there still, that isn’t living, and then gush, right back down again into the deep where it is cooler and dark to explore that place where fear can creep in. “Will something get me, will something grab me or bite me?” Legs kick frantically. Imagination can lurk in dark places if you let it. There is a quickening in the gut and you think if you move fast enough it won’t get you. “But what if it swims really fast, faster than me? It could catch me.” But nothing was there anyway. It was all just made up. The stories and worries though, they come from somewhere?
Then one day you wake up, years later, and you wonder, when was the last time you swam in a river or a dam or a waterhole? When did you last jump off a waterfall? You miss them so much because you know they taught you, you know the water is full of lessons. The greatest deep is always darkest, the lightest light is where you breath. And they are both necessary. Opposite so, but you have to experience both to know. And then you go, “Oh yes, this is where I felt safe and where I felt scared. This is where I felt everything.”
I’m going to take a deep breath. Jump. Submerge. Get scared how deeply I dived. Harness the rational mind. Swim to the light. Breathe. Then do it all over again.
Thank you for reading Magnesium Blue