Thursday, 25th of August, 2016
Elle came into my room as I was working. I had just watched the Sprit Weavers 16 video and was blissing out with gratitude for having been there. Very carefully Elle scooted in beside me close with her hands cupped and I thought she must be holding an insect. “Mama, I caught some sunshine for you.” She said holding her hands out. “Be very careful not to drop it.” I put my hands out and she released her light it into my palm. “Oh, thank you!” I said, “I will put some in my heart. And the rest, I will swallow.” I said, patting my heart and drinking from my hand.
Maya was perched on the end of the bed. “Mum, you can’t drink sunshine.” She said a little cross that Elle and I were playing. “Oh yes you can!” I said, putting my arm around Elle and kissing her on the top of the head. Then together all three of us watched the Spirit Weavers 16 video again.
“That was like drinking sunshine too!” I said to Maya.
“Did you sing at Spirit Weavers?” She asked.
“Yes, I sang a lot.” I said. “Next year you can come, we will see if you feel old enough?”
As they were getting up to leave, I felt so incredibly blessed by that sweet moment. They are imaginative like this because of us. Cam and I, and because they are whole. I see imagination and creative expression as direct link to whole being and freedom. “Thank you for my sunshine.” I said to Elle once again. “When I saw it, I knew you would like it.” She said, as if it were an item to pick up in a shop. “Where did you get it?” I asked. “Outside sitting on a box.” she said, and skipped off.
Not long after this Elle and I decided to go for a walk. She came to me and asked if I would help her put on a pink silk play
dress and rainbow wings. Then as we were walking out the door, she hesitated. “I don’t want to wear this anymore.” She said. “Oh, but you look so lovely!” I said, grateful that I had a rainbow by my side. “I am not comfortable, I want to take it off.” I was a little surprised because the silk dress is so light and comfortable, but as is her choice she went to change. On return she was once again in shorts and t-shirt and now ready to leave. Then suddenly she felt another shift. “I will just wear the wings, but it is a cape, not wings.” She said. I agreed that the wings were like a cape and so I helped her tie them on.
As we walked up the hill, it became apparent something was pulling at Elle. This was all very unusual, she seemed to be dragging a weight. It was like she needed to get something off her chest. I have only seen her like this one other time, when she had to explain to me that a friend did not feel fun to play with anymore. You really notice as a parent when the larger world spreads into your child’s soul and begins to imprint life on their body. Elle had some worries. When I saw this was the case I said, “Let’s go to the woods and talk about it with the trees.”
I don’t think it hurts to add a little make-believe into every day life and for truth I have been known to talk to trees out loud. I also suggested we might find some mushrooms, and I explained that mushrooms were the wisest things in the world. When Elle heard this she shared a little, which let me know right away what the worry had sprouted from. “Well if we ask the mushrooms I am sure they will say go to school because it will make you smarter.”
At this point I should probably let you all know, the girls are very likely going to go to school in the Fall. In two weeks they will start at a Waldorf school. I feel a little sick sharing that news, because like Elle, I have some worries too. These feelings absolutely should be replaced with gratitude because they will be going to one of the loveliest schools in the world, and it is by choice, not because they have to. Maya asked to go to this school, and I will share more about that later.
When Elle was given the option to go to school, she said yes, and as it has drawn closer and more exciting, so too has the value of being homeschooled. I relate completely, I also savor life just how it is. We love to spend our days together. The reason for change is not because we dislike homeschooling. It can be hard to let go of something when you love it. It is very confusing to be in that place of wanting it all. As I said, there are lots of reason this has unfolded, which I will share more about another day.
I will likely cry my heart out.
As we walked up the path hand in hand she was very clear. ” I don’t want to go too deep into the woods.” I listened to her sweet voice, and twice she repeated. “Let’s only go a little way, not too deep into the woods today.” I agreed, and as we set off on the trial, only a little ways into the woods it felt like life is wonderful fairytale.
It was not long before we had reached the entrance to the forest. We meandered up the grassy path, taking note of three young men, sitting together like the three billy goats gruff, staring at their devices. I wanted to cast a little spell that made them bleat at one another instead, but anyway, youth and their device use is none of my business. With that aside I focused on soothing Elle. “There is a good tree.” I said pointing to a lovely trunk that had caught my attention. “No, that one is too fat.” Elle said and strode on. It seemed Elle knew exactly the sort of tree to speak to on this day. This was confirmed further on when I spotted another tree, which she rejected for being too thin, and too close to the path. We were in the forest and it was full of trees, so it was quite entertaining that each tree I chose was not right. “I want a medium tree, away from the path.” she said.
Elle has taken to wearing her sister’s tall leather boots and her long thin legs in the big clompy boots, two sizes too large gives her an endearing silhouette. It indicates she is not a fussy child. With the rainbow wings, sorry, rainbow cape fluttering behind, I could not help but smile for having her by my side.
The could feel the worry rising to the surface as we walked, and when we reached the top of the trail I could see it was time to talk. No tree seemed right to talk to and so I crouched down and looked her in the eyes. With her hands in mine, I spoke. “Shall we talk about it? You can tell me.” It was then that the binding was unlocked, releasing the heaviness. To start with, it was about school and about meeting new adults. “I don’t like talking to adults I do not know.” She said bravely. “Oh, well I understand that. I can promise you, there are not a lot of teachers at this school, and you already know two. You will meet the other’s in a very nice way, and they will not expect anything from you.” I said. Just letting the words out seemed to help Elle lighten up. Then another worry came to the surface too, which was most surprising.
I continued to sit crouched down low, so that I was looking up at her, giving her my full attention. Her hand was still in my hand, and she looked searchingly for the words out in the green foliage, then her eyes rested on mine. With an exhale she forced something out of her heart. “I just want to be like you.” It was said in a manner that would indicate it was difficult to be like me. When in fact I already saw her as just like me. I was not exactly sure what this was about and so I waited patiently for her to explain more.
“I wanted to wear the pink dress out of the house, but when I had it on, I started to worry what my friends might think.” she said.
“Oh dear,” I said. “Has that started?” I asked her.
“I think I am being influenced by Maya.” she said
How could one of seven know so much I wondered? I still was not sure what to say, I did not want to presume I knew what she was trying to explain but it seemed to me, she saw me as free and not caring what others think, so I volunteered a little to bridge the conversation.
“Are you wishing you could just be free and not worry what other people think?” I said.
She started nodding. “It is just my friends.” she said looking a little perplexed. “And it is just that I am like you, I want to go nude on the beach, but my friends are not like that.” she said.
“Oh” I said. Quite delighted that going nude on the beach represented being a free spirit. Then she continued. “You can’t just get rid of your friends.” she said, “And it is making me confused.”
All of this was said with such spirit, such feeling spirit I was moved. I could not have loved her more in that moment. I took her into my arms and hugged her to my chest. Then I held her out, and looked her in the eyes, “You can make new friends and still keep your old ones.” I said. “When we move, you know you will have new free-spirited friends. That is why we are moving, to join a more free-spirited community. Do you remember that night when Townsand danced nude all around the living room? I asked. “Our new friends are courageous, they love their bodies, and love life.”
A smile spread over her face, and she seemed to be relived. “I am glad I got that out.” she said.
Thank you for reading Magnesium Blue